Blue Expedite
What follows is a paid advertisement. I have taken on an account, the Blue Expedite Oleander Water Co. Where do I find these clients? Coming soon to the French Market and outlets all around the greater New Orleans metro area. Not only am I doing work for Blue Expedite, I’m a customer.
In Latin, an expeditus is a lightly armed foot soldier, a scout. When a centurion out in the field needed someone to go on reconnaissance, he would call a scout. "Expeditus, go out now and see what you can see."
In 72 AD, the Roman Empire conquered a city in central Turkey. Legio XII Fulminata, the Thunderbolt Legion, was garrisoned there. The Twelfth Legion was known for its speed. It birthed a total of forty-six martyrs we know of. They were all Armenian by birth.
Pagan Armenians didn't name their sons Expeditus any more than Armenians do today. Good Saint Expedite was a soldier, plain and simple, an everyman, just like you and me. All are called to sainthood. Few answer.
Why put off until tomorrow what can be done today?
Good St. Expedite was raised a pagan. Most people were in those days. Nowadays, nobody likes a pagan, so nobody calls themselves that, but, back in the day, it was the thing to be. Something happened when B.C. became A.D. Expeditus was on the scene 303 years later.
Saint Expedite was out on patrol one day when he decided, out of the blue, to become a Christian.
The Devil, sensing something was amiss, flew to St. Expedite in the form of a crow. The Latin word for tomorrow is "cras." Crows do not caw in Latin, they say, "Cras, cras, cras." The Devil was telling St. Expedite to become a Christian tomorrow.
Incensed with the just fury of man of God, St. Expedite stomped the Devil under his sandal. "No! I will become a Christian today!" The Latin word for today is "hodie."
All of this happened under the shade of an oleander, a shrub-like tree that grows all over the world. When people talk about St. Expedite, they think of oleander. Oleander can be found from the elevated plains of Turkey to below sea level New Orleans. The good stuff grows in the Gert Town neighborhood, where roads unexpectedly converge.
Oleander smells like Heaven, a scent associated with St. Expedite. Oleander flowers smell like peach ambrosia with extra marshmallows. Distilled, it forms the base of a perfume that intoxicates the nostrils and inspires fascinated devotion. This perfume is called oleander water. If you have been to New Orleans, you have smelled it.
The best oleander water on the market is Blue Expedite Brand Oleander Water. Ask anyone. It "smells good."
Each new generation of New Orleans natives and visitors, alike, discovers, Blue Expedite Oleander Water's mystique and reputation are well deserved. Mind, body, and soul are enriched and enhanced by olfactory vibrations in every bottle. Blue Expedite Oleander Water is preferred by 8 out of 10 eligible bachelors. It's no wonder women cherish this trademarked blend of essential oils, native waters, and New Orleans magic.
Blue Expedite Oleander Water is relied on in the same way as a visit to the Saint Ann Shrine on Ursulines Avenue.
In a hidden laboratory in the Gert Town section of New Orleans, native chemists and perfumers labor away at concocting oleander water to the highest specifications. Featured on New Orleans-set television shows and movies, Blue Expedite is the oleander water of the stars.
